lost and ...how do i find it?
tonight i finally logged on to see what was happeing with people i have never met, but whom i feel a connection with - when i realized just how strong the support here is.
this beautiful goddess suppport, how my soul needed it.
thank you, all of you beautiful supportive women who share you words and your thoughts and your love.
i wish i could visit more, read everyone's posts, but there is so little free time left in my days.
i am working hard to get my artwork refined, to find a way to live off of what i love, a way to be here more for my son.
i miss the time we were once able to spend together.
the relaxed time when we didn't have to rush through all of the have to's only to kiss and hug goodnight, before the next day of have to's begin over again.
so many of us, living in this hampster wheel, it's just so depressing to me.
but i have many many things to be thankful for, many people, who i would have never met if i didn't work this full time job. people who are helping me get this next stage with my rock sculptures.
it's a strange mix or emotions i feel lately, such overwhelming gratitude.
a beautiful man has taken my hand and is helping me with my artwork. he's teaching me how to weld, so that i can do it myself after he leaves town for CA.
it's a strange feeling, i have never had anyone lend me such an amazingly kind giving gift before.
i cannot express to him how much this means to me without looking like a complete freak - because trust me - the tears would flow!
it overwhelms me, it unsettles me.
last night i couldn't sleep a wink. i haven't felt like eating. why am i reacting like this?
can you girls help me figure it out?
this beautiful being is so very different from taking life-sucking men i have known...and he's leaving...
maybe that's the empty feeling in the pit of my stomach?
i finally found someone who genuinely wants to help, who respects my work, who has been so amazingly kind and helpful and he's going to be gone soon, and it's going to be just like it always is - me on my own.
and i'm scared that this is the cycle that i will keep reliving on and on.
me alone. can i really carry all of these burdens alone...for a life time?
i just want to run, like the girl in the wedding song, like Bohemian girl got to do. i've never had the convenience of freaking out, running away or mourning properly - this ending of my marriage - this stage of my life, so how can i really start a new beginning?
i want to run. i want to get in my car and drive cross country with nothing and noone but myself to care for...but i can't.
there are bills to be paid, and a job to keep.
so what do i do? any ideas?