Monday, March 27, 2006

lost and ...how do i find it?

i haven't posted in a very long time...cycles like sarah talked about.

tonight i finally logged on to see what was happeing with people i have never met, but whom i feel a connection with - when i realized just how strong the support here is.
this beautiful goddess suppport, how my soul needed it.
thank you.
thank you, all of you beautiful supportive women who share you words and your thoughts and your love.
i wish i could visit more, read everyone's posts, but there is so little free time left in my days.
i am working hard to get my artwork refined, to find a way to live off of what i love, a way to be here more for my son.
i miss the time we were once able to spend together.
the relaxed time when we didn't have to rush through all of the have to's only to kiss and hug goodnight, before the next day of have to's begin over again.
so many of us, living in this hampster wheel, it's just so depressing to me.

but i have many many things to be thankful for, many people, who i would have never met if i didn't work this full time job. people who are helping me get this next stage with my rock sculptures.

it's a strange mix or emotions i feel lately, such overwhelming gratitude.
a beautiful man has taken my hand and is helping me with my artwork. he's teaching me how to weld, so that i can do it myself after he leaves town for CA.
it's a strange feeling, i have never had anyone lend me such an amazingly kind giving gift before.
ever.
i cannot express to him how much this means to me without looking like a complete freak - because trust me - the tears would flow!
it overwhelms me, it unsettles me.
last night i couldn't sleep a wink. i haven't felt like eating. why am i reacting like this?
can you girls help me figure it out?

this beautiful being is so very different from taking life-sucking men i have known...and he's leaving...

maybe that's the empty feeling in the pit of my stomach?

i finally found someone who genuinely wants to help, who respects my work, who has been so amazingly kind and helpful and he's going to be gone soon, and it's going to be just like it always is - me on my own.

just audra.

and i'm scared that this is the cycle that i will keep reliving on and on.
me alone. can i really carry all of these burdens alone...for a life time?

i just want to run, like the girl in the wedding song, like Bohemian girl got to do. i've never had the convenience of freaking out, running away or mourning properly - this ending of my marriage - this stage of my life, so how can i really start a new beginning?

i want to run. i want to get in my car and drive cross country with nothing and noone but myself to care for...but i can't.
there are bills to be paid, and a job to keep.

so what do i do? any ideas?

Sunday, March 05, 2006

tag, i'm it!

3 Things you wish for (just for you):

love
giddiness
freedom

3 Things you would do to/for yourself if there was no one to judge you (or if you had the guts!):

get in my car and drive cross country, escape for a little while, alone, taking pictures, breathing in the air, watching interesting people and writing all about it!
(i think that's enough!)

3 bad habits you have:

thinking too much
biting my nails
speaking the truth when i should probably just stay quiet.

3 insecurities you feel:
not pretty enough
not talented enough
being misunderstood

3 talents/skills you wish you had:
singing!
dancing!
welding, jewelry making, print making, wood working, i could go on and on with this...

3 things you would do if you had more time: (and money!)

can't stop with three...
walk in the woods
ride a horse through the woods and fields all alone, just being...
take karate
create
get back into guitar lessons
road trip everywhere!!!!
travel, travel, travel!
i could go on and on and on!


4 things that bring you peace and relaxation:

sitting by the stream by the house that i grew up in
being outdoors; the sky, the wind, the ocean, the sunshine on my skin
takign a nice warm bath
being with people who see the world hrough the same eyes as mine :-)

3 things that spark your creativity:

eveything
other artists
everything!

.....

gosh i'm so new at this bloggingt thing that i can't figure out how to link with people yet - don't know who to tag! if you're reading this - than dammit - tag you're it! post you're version :-)

Monday, February 27, 2006

sitting alone

i find myself sitting alone with a glass of wine , wishing i were not so alone. these beautiful wordsfrom women speak to me. they move me, and i know that i am where i need to be, but sometimes i am....just alone. it's been a hard transition for me this not being touched, physically. this lack of closeness. it has left a hollowness inside of me. i have so much love to give, i want to touch and caress and feel the one-ness. i miss the one-ness.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

how will i know one when i find one?

one thing that i realized this last year as i obsessively wrote in journals, is this...i have never really know a healthy man.
all of the men in my life, all of the men that i've been raised around are boy-men. they are spoiled and selfish and will never grow up. they think of themselves first and are thrown into fits when they can't have what they want.
my friends joke because since HE left the only men i've ...well, lets just say they were quite a bit younger than me.
i have never known a healthy man, so how will i know one when i find him? i think that they seem so foreign to me that i just automatically walk the other way.
as soon as i realized this i also realized that this unhealthy pattern has to stop!
but how?
how do you find the color red if you've never seen the color red?
i had no idea, but then i realized that i do know exactly what i want in a man/lover/partner/friend, so i began to write all of the core qualities that i'm looking for:
kind, giving, self confident & secure, fun, easy going (no drama please!) light hearted, creative, successful doing what he loves.
i want someone who can teach me and learn from me.
i want someone who will do the dishes with me - now that's romantic!

what are you looking for in a partner?
what did you find in your partner, what made you say " now (s)he's the one!?

Friday, February 24, 2006

why i can say never

He sat on the side of the bed and was silent. I suppose he was waiting for me to speak, but I had nothing to say. When he finally talked it was a whisper." I don't know what's the matter with me, but I'm unhappy." Was this supposed to come as some unexpected revelation?
I waited for more, there was nothing. All I could muster was a small sarcastic- "yah?" I was frustrated, tired of these games that we relived year after year. His depression spread over that household every fall, encompassing him and everything in his wake, but there was a part of him that liked it that way, it was a part of him, he said that it spurred his creative side. It was the same every year, he became depressed when air began to cool and the leaves began to change, it reminded him of when he lost his father. Every year he would suddenly quit a job, or a band. There was always some excuse for his uneasiness that had nothing to do with his father, that he used to bury his real pain. Pain he was never allowed to deal with properly, them always telling him that his dad would be back, him waiting at the window month after month, year after year expecting his return. Hi loss so encompassing that it blurred his reality and made him see things in ways that weren't real.

"I'm not happy here."
A simple final statement that sent me into anger.

"Here, in this house that we built, in this life that we created - together, you're not happy here!?"

"No."

He blurts out his answer to this life changing question without even a suggestion at a thought, without even a glimpse of realization at the repercussions that it involves. He so used to doing what he feels at the moment, because he been lucky enough to be one of the few who is loved so greatly, with such acceptance that he doesn't hesiatate with thoughts. He only acts, after all he always finds his way back in when he changes his mind. But not this time. Never again.

The finality of his answer blurted without so much as a seconds hesitation
sent me reeling even further. That was it. I was done. I was done trying to heal a man who wasn't willing to try to heal himself. I gave him everything, but it wasn't enough. If he could reach into my skin and take my soul he would. If he could, he would put his lips to my mouth and steal me of my last breath wanting me to save him from his demons, expecting me to do so.

He's sick I know that, I see it more clearly as I grow older and learn what a healthy grown up looks like, so I try one last time, "don't you think we should see someone...", but before my words even completely exit my mouth he cuts me off with a look of arrogance and a very final "NO."

And with that one little word and seventeen years of trying I finally decide that I'm done.
The nerve of him! He thinks that I want to go to someone so that they can brain wash him into staying. Well fuck him. If wants to continue on like this then he can continue on, but he can never come back.



....
2.24.06

my friends ask "Will you take him back if he gets help?, If he changes? If he's really sorry?"
no.
i gave him everything that i could and he bled me dry.
the rest of this life is for being healthy.

i can still love him.
will always....i just don't like him very much.
lessons learned, took me too long!

the hardest day of my life

You could almost smell a hint of dew sitting in that room.
Its walls were the color of newly sprouted leaves, bright and encompassing.
I often joked that it was a room that you couldn’t possibly be unhappy in.
Such a harmless little joke.
Such bittersweet irony that it was there, on the little matching green couch that everything we knew vanished forever.

I searched his cold emotionless face for even a twinge of regret, a hint of feeling, but there was nothing.
With a coldness and the efficiency of a winter breeze that instantly chills to the bone he robbed us of everything we knew. Cries and screams echoed against those walls, mirroring the sound of our breaking hearts. The betrayal was unfathomable and frighteningly deliberate.
Our bodies convulsed.
His remained unnaturally still.

...2.24.06

i wrote this about the night we sat on the couch in our dining room and told our son that his dad was leaving, forever.it was the worst thing that i ever had to do, the absolute hardest thing ever.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

gotta start sometime

i've been contemplating starting a blogg since he left.
a place to dish, but to also connect, be heard. a place to listen and combine intentions with like minded individuals.
this is new to me.
even thought i am one of those people who has no secrets, an open book you could say - this still feels a little frightening to me.
bareing all to people i do not know, but then again - how much do we reallyknow anyone?
i thought i knew him.
spent half my life with him.
i was just a kid. seventeen to be exact.
we grew together, created a life together, laughed together and cried together.
we have a beautiful son together.

then he left.
stress.
unhappy.

a girl.

isn't there always another girl.
poor girl, she'll see.

i never need to wish bad things, they'll create on their own.
after all how can you ever trust a man who betrayed another - especially who betrayed the love of his life and their son?
you couldn't.
how can you trust the judgement of a woman who would break up a happy marriage and a young child's life?
you couldn't.

their beds will be created without any help from me.
i beleive in karma, and i don't wish for any bad energy.
besides hate is draining.
hate creates illness.
my great aunt lived to be 104, so my life may have only just begun and i intend on having fun with it!

i let go.
i am moving on, seeing the good, feeling the lightness of this new found freedom.
finding me, becoming me.
the artist, the girl who smiles and has wants of her own.

it was over a year ago that he walked out that door.